Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Lessons from a field trip

Last week I took some of my students for a field trip to Sabah - KK, Manukan and Kinabalu Park. It was rather disappointing and boring as the students were rather disinterested in the places they visited and what it offered or what was around. The first question asked when in KK was "Where's the nearest cybercafe?" The students showed very little or no interest in the flora and fauna of the island and mountain, were disinterested and oblivious of their surroundings (buildings, people, sights and sounds) and the boys were consumed with computer games (many brought their gadjets and laptops to ensure uninterrupted continous computerised entertainment). Several of them constantly complaint, mostly about everything not being of highest standard and 5 star quality (I wonder if they realise they are getting what they paid for). The Koreans students had one thing on their mind (and stomach) - Korean food. They could not eat what was served and 2 boys were very hungry by the end of the trip. They ate little and supplemented their diet with junk food and the occasional KFC.
Next time I will need to do the following:
  1. limit travelling time - if its too long, plan o make it interesting
  2. check the food - ask for menu before trip and ensure quality, meet requirements etc. Check if anyone has allergies and for the Koreans, their own food. Consider having BBQ.
  3. plan games, activities, challenges and things to do as groups throughout the trip
  4. when in the city, plan for shopping and cybercafe
  5. when grouping students, put birds of the same feather together
  6. try to identify hidden/extra cost (Manukan island - for every activity had to pay!)
  7. got to be more organised and well planned before going - pre trip planning, exposure, homework etc
  8. minimise having to wake up early

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Purpose in life or just existence?

It is times like this that make me understand why some people just check out of life. I am in a limbo, merely breathing and going through the motions, doing what is expected of me without any passion or personal fulfilment or achievement. Makes me wonder about this extremely strong push by success gurus and the Bible on knowing your purpose and living a life aimed at fulfilling it. What if there is NO purpose - we just exist, fighting to survive, be king of the hill and enjoy the spoils? What if Darwin was right - life is just a fight of the fittest and those who lose fade away, insignificant and very quickly forgotten? The winner? Well he enjoys the spoils of his victory for a season and then he too disappears buit with a smile on his face, not like the other guy who goes into oblivion sad, depressed and downcast. The only difference is when and how we make our exit.
I am just so tired and angry at my present condition, i.e. my life. It feels like its always a battle, one that I very rarely win. I'm forever in lack and 'no money' has become the monster crusher that breaks into a thousand spliners all my plans, hopes and dreams. I am left with a few strands of dreams and plans that wither in my hand, leaving me hopeless and angry. Will I ever be able to make enough to cover all my needs and fund all my dreams and projects or will I be one who will die unfinished. My epitaph will read: He dreamt and started but could never finish. His life was an unfinished work (due to lack of funds).
My work sucks - useless administration work and exercises that have no eternal value - and I have lost almost all my enthusiasm here. There is no friendship and comradrie here with any one - some casual acquaintances - and I feel all alone, left to do my load with no one concerned or willing to help until I make a mistake. Then many are interested, come to gently rebuke and offer ""You cannot do that" or"You are in trouble" advice which makes me wonder where they were and what they were doing when I began my journey towards my mistake. The work environment and collegues are not condusive for success or for feeling well. Another minus at this place of work.
Just exist or living for a purpose? At the moment is just striving to make it to the end of the day without reaching my end . . .

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Checking in

Work pressure has eased considerably as the year winds down and only the final exam challenge looms darkly in the corner of my mind - will worry about that later. Have been simmering in frustration as more and more items are needed but I am unable to cough up the money needed to buy them - a pair of spectacles (bi-focal, yes . . I'm growing old), work shoes and a CD/mp3/radio player to name a few. Of course, there's the endless list of items needed to complete our unfinished 'open' house. It screams to me daily: Failure. Loser. Poor man. Unable to provide. Will you ever finish this house? Where and when will you ever get the finances to complete this project. Aaaarrrrghhh!!!! Now you know why the Incredible Hulk is one of the few superheroes I identify closely with.
The students in school are getting very stressed out. Some are showing classic signs of stress and I'm worried for their phycological condition. Hope they will be well.
Me? Well I'm slipping into a semi-depressed, shutdowm mode, doing the minimum and taking everything slow. I feel I'm wasting my life away as I slip down the slope of poverty and failure. Living zombie with no bite or passion. What a life!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

De-stressed

The one week holiday spent mostly at home has done wonders. I felt rested and light and a huge load of stress has been lifted. I woke up late, helped around in the farm, played with my daughter and did some chores. I basically had a laid-back week with the most important people in my life and it was very curative.
Now I'm back to work with a new level of vigour, inner confidence and strangely a new level of spirituality - more conscious of God and a desire to read the Bible and pray.
I've also stumbled on some writings on overcoming worry that basically encouraged me to take one day at a time and one task at a time and not sweat over what not able to be done (past) or what will have to be done (future) - just what I am able to do the best today.
Am also looking at eating a more proper and balanced diet. Only set back - getting very sleepy and heavy-headed again.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

So far, so good

The last few days have been bearable - workload has lessen, some good things have happened and I even was wide awake yesterday till about midnight (a first after so many weeks!). I have had short moments of feeling positive and 'up' and have felt more 'able'. I am just so thankful to be out of the doldrums of depression these last few days or at least feel only slightly down. It's relieving.

Monday, August 13, 2007

"Hound" at bay and ideas to live by

I've been able to keep at bay the hound of depression by focusing on what I love - my family and reading - and I've made it through another week, telling myself I have Saturday to rest and Sunday to celebrate my daughter's birthday. The trip to the beach and the birthday party was worth the 5 day 'hardship slog' at school.
Found an old whiteboard of mine under an old bed at my mum's place and on it I had scribbled some wise sayings. Here they are:
1. A vision without the ability to execute, is probably a hallucination - Stephen M. Case (Reader's Digest, 2003)
2. Failure is the price you pay for success.
3. If you don't know what you want to be(come), your objective (in life) is to be a NOBODY.
4. Without a clear picture of how you wish your life to be, how on earth can you begin to live it?
I guess these kind of sayings catch my attention, I believe them and to a certain degree work hard to follow them.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

You are sleepy . . .

I continue to feel very depressed. I feel my facial muscles being pulled down by heavy anchors that are hooked on to the ends of my downcast lips. I keep sighing, taking turns with every breathe exhaled. Most of all I find my mind switching off ever so often and deep sleep or an intense desire to fall into deep sleep coming over me - now even in the afternoons and ever more so in the late evenings. I find myself just wasting away, washed by a loss of desire, motivation, strength and ability to do much; even mundane duties like cooking dinner, lighting the oil lamps and turning off the generator have become tasks requiring Herculean effort. When will I be back in my strong, energetic, enthusiastic and hardworking body? Maybe time will tell . . .

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

So hollow, baby

Going to school nowadays has become a daily chore that I dread. I wake up reluctantly and wish I had another job, dragging my tired body in the darkness that envelopes my room (its 5.30 in the morning) to put on my work clothes and drive for 45 minutes to a destination I no longer look forward to.
Why such a dread and disgust? Simply this - it is not a stimulating place - there's no excitement or reason for celebration, there's nothing significant happening, and all that happens is scripted or required. It's keeping to rules and laying your eggs on demand. It's a drain on my emotions and a death blow to my mind. With an endless list of given tasks to be completed by deadlines and presentation of lessons to students who constantly need to be convinced to pay attention and do their work, I find my enthusiasm squashed and my opportunities to try new things, prepare interesting exercises or even celebrate learning all but lost.
Marking of student's work in their unkempt exercise books is tantamount to entering a brain-torturing chamber. Reading and correcting the endless badly written essays (not their fault - it's bad teaching/failure on behalf of the teacher to teach well) is really depressing and does nothing but murder my enthusiasm.
The reason is simple - all my hard work is almost not appreciated. Most students don't even look at my corrections and the few that take note do just that - acknowledge I had done my work but do nothing else. There is no re-writing of corrected work and no applying of lessons learnt from mistakes I had corrected.
So why do I do the endless, unending corrections? Its my job! and also I may be in hot soup if a parent chooses to look at his/her child's work (I wonder how many do) and discover to their horror that I didn't do my job (never mind their child didn't do his/her job) and then make a fuss that might lead to warnings or even expulsion or even worse, a media frenzy with my face splashed all over various tabloids in the state and country. So get the red pen and mark . . .
I just feel so hollow inside, a zombie robot going through the motions, unhappily fulfilling what is required of me driven by fear of punishment and the loss of a stable income. I feel I am insignificant doing activities that will mean nothing in history and in the lives of the students I teach. All this unending activity is just useless flurry, a shadow without substance, a waste of life and time . . .

Friday, July 27, 2007

Cark clouds roll in (again)

By yesterday evening, the dark clouds of depression rolled in unexpectedly. It began with the end of another long, tiring and uninspiring day at work followed by a SMS from a loved one that caused concern and "upsetness". The long drive home didn't help. By the time I was at home, I felt drained of all physical and emotional strength - I found it hard to move, I was feeling angry and a deep stupor came over me. I was asleep by 9!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Dark clouds blown away

My depression has lifted to a large degree, like a dark menacing cloud suddenly blown away by a merciful gust of life-giving wind. I quess what trigerred my salvation was the acceptance of a new role (i.e. slave), strong and consistent support from my lovely wife and the completion of several task (one step at a time). Still sad and bogged down by unmet desires and a feeling of facing a series of impossible demands but I am able to move forward again - it's like you were driving with your hand brakes on and then when you realize what has happened, released the brakes, and now you enjoy the release it brings. My emotional hand brakes has been released temporarily and I am relieved.

Monday, July 23, 2007

A slave to the company

My depression continues, draining me of all my zest for life, my creative juices and my love for life and work. It has also brought about a very painful headache and an intense need to sleep - I usually fall into a deep sleep by 9 or 10 pm!
As I ponder my slide down sighland, I realise that I have not realised and embrace my new identity - I am actually a slave and no longer boss and master of my own life/career. I live to do as required by the school and students and have almost no power to refuse. Instead it's find ways to cope, to handle and to successfully complete the unending waves of task (paper work, marking and calculating is the worst) that pound on you daily.
I realise that if I accept my new identity as slave, than working hard, for long hours with very little time for other pursuits, with little or no gratitude from school or students and being almost totally not respected, honored and obeyed, what more appreciated IS my due, my share, my accepted lot as all slaves throughout the generations.
But it so hard when I have been boss, lord of my own life; where my work has been appreciated, neeeded, welcomed and praised and time for pursuits I enjoy is amply available. Oh how I miss my past lives . . .
Those who work for the government are called servants. I wonder if those who work for private companies/organisations are called SLAVES?
Me - school slave?

Friday, July 20, 2007

Downcast and hurting

I have been extremely downcast the last few days. My cheeks sag heavily from under my eyes, dragged down by an invisible weight of discouragement and frustration; it hurts my jaw and face. The corners of my lips droop down forming an ugly upside down 'U' making me look fierce and cold. I sigh heavily very often and my mind is just a blank absent space. I do the barest minimum hoping I don't have any crisis or extra workload to battle with. I just feel so tired of trying . . . working . . . doing and doing . . . endless mindless activities . . . I miss doing important projects, giving life-changing seminars and making an important difference in the lives of people.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Lost time and mutant teachers

I just can't believe it! I've been so busy, consumed every second by the never-ending deluge of 'teacher's work' until I've literally have no time left to pursue any of the interesting things I enjoy doing with my life - writing, reading and conversing with life-enhancing and encouraging people. I can't believe that it has been so long since I even had a few minutes to spare to jot some words down in this blog! What a waste of my life. Where has the opportunity to pursue happiness and to do what I love gone to?
2nd term exams loom like dark clouds, promising only a tempest of torrential marking of exam papers and the endless drudgery of collecting, calculating and recording students exam marks on their white cardboard report cards, only to be received with dismay and contested by ungrateful or at the least, indifferent students. Indeed the saying is true - "I love teaching but I hate being a teacher". You would have thought a teacher is one who teaches but teaching has mutated into a series of duties far distant to this 'ideal duty'. Instead a teacher is a multi-tasker, a servant to school and student, a rat on a rolling cage that leads to a thankless grave. Go figure!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Keep your nose on the grindstone

Keep your nose on the grindstone - what a painful thing to do especially if you have a long nose like mine. No wonder we find it hard to keep our noses close to any grindstone (a strange metaphor for work that needs to be done; yet so apt as it is hard and rough and continually turns, never ending). Anyway, this is the topic of conversation and competition by someone I know and as I have heard Robert Raymer teach last year and flipped through his book (interesting, and yes I would like to have a copy in my library), I've decided to give my two-cents worth on how to keep your nose to the grindstone (ouch!).
  1. Get a tough nose (i.e. toughen yourself emotionally and mentally) - you will need to have passion, drive, desire and a mind set to do the work if you ever want the "nose" to be on the grindstone.
  2. Get a strong body attached to the nose (i.e. you got to be fit and healthy) - the many cakes, junkfood and sodas will not help you keep to the task ahead. A clear mind and fit body really does help. Sadly, I am yet to be in possession of such a body.
  3. Use smaller and/or softer grindstones (i.e. do smaller and easier task) - this is a no-brainer. When a large elephant is cut into smaller pieces and cook in lovely rendang curry, it is much easier to swallow and before you know it you have eaten an elephant!
  4. Visit the grindstone at agreed times (i.e. slot predetermine times to do the task at hand) - anyone knows that putting your nose continuosly at the grindstone will result is an absent nose and not a sharp nose! So visit the grindstone when necessary and keep it on the grindstone until the work is done and no longer (hint: overtime and extra work is no good).
  5. Remember the grindstone is to change rocks into diamonds (i.e. have the goal of the task in mind all the time) - always remind yourself the purpose and final outcome of the task; hopefully it is a diamond and not a lump of clay! If all the hard work is to produce a diamond, the grinding is worth it. If not, put your nose somewhere else!

Well, that's my two-cents worth. If you're reading this 'you-know-who" do place me in your consideration list. Raymer's book will be good in my library!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Hats Off to Serendipity - Sue Ellen Cooper

What have I learnt from Sue's success story:
1. a vivid imagination and all that comes with it like fantasy and make-believe is an important ability to have
2. Seek out the whimsical, beautiful and fantastic in your life - they may just contain the gold you're looking for
3. follow your instincts
4. Share what you love and find interesting - it may just be what you should do to be successful
5. have a clear purpose for what you are doing (hint: making money is not one of them!)
6.whatever you choose to do, make sure it's something that provides you the opportunity to pass along your love for life,to follow your instincts and to remain true to your values

Monday, May 21, 2007

Against All Odds - David Anderson

Lessons learnt from David's success:
1. become a small-business owner - a businessman
2. follow your childhood dream - what was your passion when you were a kid?
3. forays into the business world can be successful at times but oftentimes it will fail
4. never give up on your dreams
5. problems are opportunities for a new life
6. the best advertisement is word of mouth
7. to be the best, visit all your competition, taste/use all their products, personally make/cook your product. Do all this to pursue the best you can produce.
8. your success is worth more because it provides jobs and opportunities to so many people
9. adversity will help make you stronger and wiser
10. live your life in gratitude
11. your higher purpose should be to make a positive difference in the lives of others
12. you are here to serve.

Quote: At night, I remember gazing into the heavens, thinking about the billions and billions of stars that sparkled in the northern sky. I wondered if my life would shine brilliantly like one of the bright stars above, or if my life would be like one of the billion stars that just faded off into the vastness of space. Determined to shine brilliantly, I followed my childhood dream . . .

Thursday, April 19, 2007

To remember when next invigilating for an exam

Just finished invigilating for an exam. I realised that there are things I must remeber to do, have and bring when I next be the teacher-in-charge of an examination. Here's the list:
1. have a large functioning clock in front of the hall for all to see
2. put up a board to write any notices etc.
3. make sure tables for students are of proper size and height
4. go early and open all the doors and windows of the hall (or get the students to do it). Also switch on the fan and lights early
5. Make sure the sun rays and wind from the blowing fans do not hit directly on the students
6. escort the students who need to go to the toilet
7. bring a stapler with enough staple bullets
8. no pencil cases or computer covers allowed in the examination hall
water bottles allowed
9. time yourself well when laying out the exam papers - all should be on the tables 10 minutes before the exam begins
10. teachers are to give the name list of the students taking their paper at least a day before the examination
11. count all the examination papers collected - must tally with the name list.
12. different students take different papers - make a card with the students name and a list of subjects be placed on each table and a tick next to the subjects the student is taking. This will help in the distribution of the exam papers.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A time to begin

I'm half asleep and my mind is numb. I just want to do something interesting and so I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and have my own blog. I guess some of my students would love to read my blog and maybe I can create an interesting, crowd-gathering blog that would become the rave all over the blog world. Maybe . . . But for now I will have to learn the ropes, decide what to write and actually make time to type and post my entertaining and revealing thoughts. So if you're reading this, thanks and welcome to my world.