So hollow, baby

Going to school nowadays has become a daily chore that I dread. I wake up reluctantly and wish I had another job, dragging my tired body in the darkness that envelopes my room (its 5.30 in the morning) to put on my work clothes and drive for 45 minutes to a destination I no longer look forward to.
Why such a dread and disgust? Simply this - it is not a stimulating place - there's no excitement or reason for celebration, there's nothing significant happening, and all that happens is scripted or required. It's keeping to rules and laying your eggs on demand. It's a drain on my emotions and a death blow to my mind. With an endless list of given tasks to be completed by deadlines and presentation of lessons to students who constantly need to be convinced to pay attention and do their work, I find my enthusiasm squashed and my opportunities to try new things, prepare interesting exercises or even celebrate learning all but lost.
Marking of student's work in their unkempt exercise books is tantamount to entering a brain-torturing chamber. Reading and correcting the endless badly written essays (not their fault - it's bad teaching/failure on behalf of the teacher to teach well) is really depressing and does nothing but murder my enthusiasm.
The reason is simple - all my hard work is almost not appreciated. Most students don't even look at my corrections and the few that take note do just that - acknowledge I had done my work but do nothing else. There is no re-writing of corrected work and no applying of lessons learnt from mistakes I had corrected.
So why do I do the endless, unending corrections? Its my job! and also I may be in hot soup if a parent chooses to look at his/her child's work (I wonder how many do) and discover to their horror that I didn't do my job (never mind their child didn't do his/her job) and then make a fuss that might lead to warnings or even expulsion or even worse, a media frenzy with my face splashed all over various tabloids in the state and country. So get the red pen and mark . . .
I just feel so hollow inside, a zombie robot going through the motions, unhappily fulfilling what is required of me driven by fear of punishment and the loss of a stable income. I feel I am insignificant doing activities that will mean nothing in history and in the lives of the students I teach. All this unending activity is just useless flurry, a shadow without substance, a waste of life and time . . .

Cark clouds roll in (again)

By yesterday evening, the dark clouds of depression rolled in unexpectedly. It began with the end of another long, tiring and uninspiring day at work followed by a SMS from a loved one that caused concern and "upsetness". The long drive home didn't help. By the time I was at home, I felt drained of all physical and emotional strength - I found it hard to move, I was feeling angry and a deep stupor came over me. I was asleep by 9!

Dark clouds blown away

My depression has lifted to a large degree, like a dark menacing cloud suddenly blown away by a merciful gust of life-giving wind. I quess what trigerred my salvation was the acceptance of a new role (i.e. slave), strong and consistent support from my lovely wife and the completion of several task (one step at a time). Still sad and bogged down by unmet desires and a feeling of facing a series of impossible demands but I am able to move forward again - it's like you were driving with your hand brakes on and then when you realize what has happened, released the brakes, and now you enjoy the release it brings. My emotional hand brakes has been released temporarily and I am relieved.

A slave to the company

My depression continues, draining me of all my zest for life, my creative juices and my love for life and work. It has also brought about a very painful headache and an intense need to sleep - I usually fall into a deep sleep by 9 or 10 pm!
As I ponder my slide down sighland, I realise that I have not realised and embrace my new identity - I am actually a slave and no longer boss and master of my own life/career. I live to do as required by the school and students and have almost no power to refuse. Instead it's find ways to cope, to handle and to successfully complete the unending waves of task (paper work, marking and calculating is the worst) that pound on you daily.
I realise that if I accept my new identity as slave, than working hard, for long hours with very little time for other pursuits, with little or no gratitude from school or students and being almost totally not respected, honored and obeyed, what more appreciated IS my due, my share, my accepted lot as all slaves throughout the generations.
But it so hard when I have been boss, lord of my own life; where my work has been appreciated, neeeded, welcomed and praised and time for pursuits I enjoy is amply available. Oh how I miss my past lives . . .
Those who work for the government are called servants. I wonder if those who work for private companies/organisations are called SLAVES?
Me - school slave?

Downcast and hurting

I have been extremely downcast the last few days. My cheeks sag heavily from under my eyes, dragged down by an invisible weight of discouragement and frustration; it hurts my jaw and face. The corners of my lips droop down forming an ugly upside down 'U' making me look fierce and cold. I sigh heavily very often and my mind is just a blank absent space. I do the barest minimum hoping I don't have any crisis or extra workload to battle with. I just feel so tired of trying . . . working . . . doing and doing . . . endless mindless activities . . . I miss doing important projects, giving life-changing seminars and making an important difference in the lives of people.

Lost time and mutant teachers

I just can't believe it! I've been so busy, consumed every second by the never-ending deluge of 'teacher's work' until I've literally have no time left to pursue any of the interesting things I enjoy doing with my life - writing, reading and conversing with life-enhancing and encouraging people. I can't believe that it has been so long since I even had a few minutes to spare to jot some words down in this blog! What a waste of my life. Where has the opportunity to pursue happiness and to do what I love gone to?
2nd term exams loom like dark clouds, promising only a tempest of torrential marking of exam papers and the endless drudgery of collecting, calculating and recording students exam marks on their white cardboard report cards, only to be received with dismay and contested by ungrateful or at the least, indifferent students. Indeed the saying is true - "I love teaching but I hate being a teacher". You would have thought a teacher is one who teaches but teaching has mutated into a series of duties far distant to this 'ideal duty'. Instead a teacher is a multi-tasker, a servant to school and student, a rat on a rolling cage that leads to a thankless grave. Go figure!