Purpose in life or just existence?

It is times like this that make me understand why some people just check out of life. I am in a limbo, merely breathing and going through the motions, doing what is expected of me without any passion or personal fulfilment or achievement. Makes me wonder about this extremely strong push by success gurus and the Bible on knowing your purpose and living a life aimed at fulfilling it. What if there is NO purpose - we just exist, fighting to survive, be king of the hill and enjoy the spoils? What if Darwin was right - life is just a fight of the fittest and those who lose fade away, insignificant and very quickly forgotten? The winner? Well he enjoys the spoils of his victory for a season and then he too disappears buit with a smile on his face, not like the other guy who goes into oblivion sad, depressed and downcast. The only difference is when and how we make our exit.
I am just so tired and angry at my present condition, i.e. my life. It feels like its always a battle, one that I very rarely win. I'm forever in lack and 'no money' has become the monster crusher that breaks into a thousand spliners all my plans, hopes and dreams. I am left with a few strands of dreams and plans that wither in my hand, leaving me hopeless and angry. Will I ever be able to make enough to cover all my needs and fund all my dreams and projects or will I be one who will die unfinished. My epitaph will read: He dreamt and started but could never finish. His life was an unfinished work (due to lack of funds).
My work sucks - useless administration work and exercises that have no eternal value - and I have lost almost all my enthusiasm here. There is no friendship and comradrie here with any one - some casual acquaintances - and I feel all alone, left to do my load with no one concerned or willing to help until I make a mistake. Then many are interested, come to gently rebuke and offer ""You cannot do that" or"You are in trouble" advice which makes me wonder where they were and what they were doing when I began my journey towards my mistake. The work environment and collegues are not condusive for success or for feeling well. Another minus at this place of work.
Just exist or living for a purpose? At the moment is just striving to make it to the end of the day without reaching my end . . .

Checking in

Work pressure has eased considerably as the year winds down and only the final exam challenge looms darkly in the corner of my mind - will worry about that later. Have been simmering in frustration as more and more items are needed but I am unable to cough up the money needed to buy them - a pair of spectacles (bi-focal, yes . . I'm growing old), work shoes and a CD/mp3/radio player to name a few. Of course, there's the endless list of items needed to complete our unfinished 'open' house. It screams to me daily: Failure. Loser. Poor man. Unable to provide. Will you ever finish this house? Where and when will you ever get the finances to complete this project. Aaaarrrrghhh!!!! Now you know why the Incredible Hulk is one of the few superheroes I identify closely with.
The students in school are getting very stressed out. Some are showing classic signs of stress and I'm worried for their phycological condition. Hope they will be well.
Me? Well I'm slipping into a semi-depressed, shutdowm mode, doing the minimum and taking everything slow. I feel I'm wasting my life away as I slip down the slope of poverty and failure. Living zombie with no bite or passion. What a life!

De-stressed

The one week holiday spent mostly at home has done wonders. I felt rested and light and a huge load of stress has been lifted. I woke up late, helped around in the farm, played with my daughter and did some chores. I basically had a laid-back week with the most important people in my life and it was very curative.
Now I'm back to work with a new level of vigour, inner confidence and strangely a new level of spirituality - more conscious of God and a desire to read the Bible and pray.
I've also stumbled on some writings on overcoming worry that basically encouraged me to take one day at a time and one task at a time and not sweat over what not able to be done (past) or what will have to be done (future) - just what I am able to do the best today.
Am also looking at eating a more proper and balanced diet. Only set back - getting very sleepy and heavy-headed again.

So far, so good

The last few days have been bearable - workload has lessen, some good things have happened and I even was wide awake yesterday till about midnight (a first after so many weeks!). I have had short moments of feeling positive and 'up' and have felt more 'able'. I am just so thankful to be out of the doldrums of depression these last few days or at least feel only slightly down. It's relieving.

"Hound" at bay and ideas to live by

I've been able to keep at bay the hound of depression by focusing on what I love - my family and reading - and I've made it through another week, telling myself I have Saturday to rest and Sunday to celebrate my daughter's birthday. The trip to the beach and the birthday party was worth the 5 day 'hardship slog' at school.
Found an old whiteboard of mine under an old bed at my mum's place and on it I had scribbled some wise sayings. Here they are:
1. A vision without the ability to execute, is probably a hallucination - Stephen M. Case (Reader's Digest, 2003)
2. Failure is the price you pay for success.
3. If you don't know what you want to be(come), your objective (in life) is to be a NOBODY.
4. Without a clear picture of how you wish your life to be, how on earth can you begin to live it?
I guess these kind of sayings catch my attention, I believe them and to a certain degree work hard to follow them.

You are sleepy . . .

I continue to feel very depressed. I feel my facial muscles being pulled down by heavy anchors that are hooked on to the ends of my downcast lips. I keep sighing, taking turns with every breathe exhaled. Most of all I find my mind switching off ever so often and deep sleep or an intense desire to fall into deep sleep coming over me - now even in the afternoons and ever more so in the late evenings. I find myself just wasting away, washed by a loss of desire, motivation, strength and ability to do much; even mundane duties like cooking dinner, lighting the oil lamps and turning off the generator have become tasks requiring Herculean effort. When will I be back in my strong, energetic, enthusiastic and hardworking body? Maybe time will tell . . .

So hollow, baby

Going to school nowadays has become a daily chore that I dread. I wake up reluctantly and wish I had another job, dragging my tired body in the darkness that envelopes my room (its 5.30 in the morning) to put on my work clothes and drive for 45 minutes to a destination I no longer look forward to.
Why such a dread and disgust? Simply this - it is not a stimulating place - there's no excitement or reason for celebration, there's nothing significant happening, and all that happens is scripted or required. It's keeping to rules and laying your eggs on demand. It's a drain on my emotions and a death blow to my mind. With an endless list of given tasks to be completed by deadlines and presentation of lessons to students who constantly need to be convinced to pay attention and do their work, I find my enthusiasm squashed and my opportunities to try new things, prepare interesting exercises or even celebrate learning all but lost.
Marking of student's work in their unkempt exercise books is tantamount to entering a brain-torturing chamber. Reading and correcting the endless badly written essays (not their fault - it's bad teaching/failure on behalf of the teacher to teach well) is really depressing and does nothing but murder my enthusiasm.
The reason is simple - all my hard work is almost not appreciated. Most students don't even look at my corrections and the few that take note do just that - acknowledge I had done my work but do nothing else. There is no re-writing of corrected work and no applying of lessons learnt from mistakes I had corrected.
So why do I do the endless, unending corrections? Its my job! and also I may be in hot soup if a parent chooses to look at his/her child's work (I wonder how many do) and discover to their horror that I didn't do my job (never mind their child didn't do his/her job) and then make a fuss that might lead to warnings or even expulsion or even worse, a media frenzy with my face splashed all over various tabloids in the state and country. So get the red pen and mark . . .
I just feel so hollow inside, a zombie robot going through the motions, unhappily fulfilling what is required of me driven by fear of punishment and the loss of a stable income. I feel I am insignificant doing activities that will mean nothing in history and in the lives of the students I teach. All this unending activity is just useless flurry, a shadow without substance, a waste of life and time . . .