Lessons from a field trip

Last week I took some of my students for a field trip to Sabah - KK, Manukan and Kinabalu Park. It was rather disappointing and boring as the students were rather disinterested in the places they visited and what it offered or what was around. The first question asked when in KK was "Where's the nearest cybercafe?" The students showed very little or no interest in the flora and fauna of the island and mountain, were disinterested and oblivious of their surroundings (buildings, people, sights and sounds) and the boys were consumed with computer games (many brought their gadjets and laptops to ensure uninterrupted continous computerised entertainment). Several of them constantly complaint, mostly about everything not being of highest standard and 5 star quality (I wonder if they realise they are getting what they paid for). The Koreans students had one thing on their mind (and stomach) - Korean food. They could not eat what was served and 2 boys were very hungry by the end of the trip. They ate little and supplemented their diet with junk food and the occasional KFC.
Next time I will need to do the following:

1. limit travelling time - if its too long, plan o make it interesting
2. check the food - ask for menu before trip and ensure quality, meet requirements etc. Check if anyone has allergies and for the Koreans, their own food. Consider having BBQ.
3. plan games, activities, challenges and things to do as groups throughout the trip
4. when in the city, plan for shopping and cybercafe
5. when grouping students, put birds of the same feather together
6. try to identify hidden/extra cost (Manukan island - for every activity had to pay!)
7. got to be more organised and well planned before going - pre trip planning, exposure, homework etc
8. minimise having to wake up early

Purpose in life or just existence?

It is times like this that make me understand why some people just check out of life. I am in a limbo, merely breathing and going through the motions, doing what is expected of me without any passion or personal fulfilment or achievement. Makes me wonder about this extremely strong push by success gurus and the Bible on knowing your purpose and living a life aimed at fulfilling it. What if there is NO purpose - we just exist, fighting to survive, be king of the hill and enjoy the spoils? What if Darwin was right - life is just a fight of the fittest and those who lose fade away, insignificant and very quickly forgotten? The winner? Well he enjoys the spoils of his victory for a season and then he too disappears buit with a smile on his face, not like the other guy who goes into oblivion sad, depressed and downcast. The only difference is when and how we make our exit.
I am just so tired and angry at my present condition, i.e. my life. It feels like its always a battle, one that I very rarely win. I'm forever in lack and 'no money' has become the monster crusher that breaks into a thousand spliners all my plans, hopes and dreams. I am left with a few strands of dreams and plans that wither in my hand, leaving me hopeless and angry. Will I ever be able to make enough to cover all my needs and fund all my dreams and projects or will I be one who will die unfinished. My epitaph will read: He dreamt and started but could never finish. His life was an unfinished work (due to lack of funds).
My work sucks - useless administration work and exercises that have no eternal value - and I have lost almost all my enthusiasm here. There is no friendship and comradrie here with any one - some casual acquaintances - and I feel all alone, left to do my load with no one concerned or willing to help until I make a mistake. Then many are interested, come to gently rebuke and offer ""You cannot do that" or"You are in trouble" advice which makes me wonder where they were and what they were doing when I began my journey towards my mistake. The work environment and collegues are not condusive for success or for feeling well. Another minus at this place of work.
Just exist or living for a purpose? At the moment is just striving to make it to the end of the day without reaching my end . . .

Checking in

Work pressure has eased considerably as the year winds down and only the final exam challenge looms darkly in the corner of my mind - will worry about that later. Have been simmering in frustration as more and more items are needed but I am unable to cough up the money needed to buy them - a pair of spectacles (bi-focal, yes . . I'm growing old), work shoes and a CD/mp3/radio player to name a few. Of course, there's the endless list of items needed to complete our unfinished 'open' house. It screams to me daily: Failure. Loser. Poor man. Unable to provide. Will you ever finish this house? Where and when will you ever get the finances to complete this project. Aaaarrrrghhh!!!! Now you know why the Incredible Hulk is one of the few superheroes I identify closely with.
The students in school are getting very stressed out. Some are showing classic signs of stress and I'm worried for their phycological condition. Hope they will be well.
Me? Well I'm slipping into a semi-depressed, shutdowm mode, doing the minimum and taking everything slow. I feel I'm wasting my life away as I slip down the slope of poverty and failure. Living zombie with no bite or passion. What a life!

De-stressed

The one week holiday spent mostly at home has done wonders. I felt rested and light and a huge load of stress has been lifted. I woke up late, helped around in the farm, played with my daughter and did some chores. I basically had a laid-back week with the most important people in my life and it was very curative.
Now I'm back to work with a new level of vigour, inner confidence and strangely a new level of spirituality - more conscious of God and a desire to read the Bible and pray.
I've also stumbled on some writings on overcoming worry that basically encouraged me to take one day at a time and one task at a time and not sweat over what not able to be done (past) or what will have to be done (future) - just what I am able to do the best today.
Am also looking at eating a more proper and balanced diet. Only set back - getting very sleepy and heavy-headed again.

So far, so good

The last few days have been bearable - workload has lessen, some good things have happened and I even was wide awake yesterday till about midnight (a first after so many weeks!). I have had short moments of feeling positive and 'up' and have felt more 'able'. I am just so thankful to be out of the doldrums of depression these last few days or at least feel only slightly down. It's relieving.

"Hound" at bay and ideas to live by

I've been able to keep at bay the hound of depression by focusing on what I love - my family and reading - and I've made it through another week, telling myself I have Saturday to rest and Sunday to celebrate my daughter's birthday. The trip to the beach and the birthday party was worth the 5 day 'hardship slog' at school.
Found an old whiteboard of mine under an old bed at my mum's place and on it I had scribbled some wise sayings. Here they are:
1. A vision without the ability to execute, is probably a hallucination - Stephen M. Case (Reader's Digest, 2003)
2. Failure is the price you pay for success.
3. If you don't know what you want to be(come), your objective (in life) is to be a NOBODY.
4. Without a clear picture of how you wish your life to be, how on earth can you begin to live it?
I guess these kind of sayings catch my attention, I believe them and to a certain degree work hard to follow them.

You are sleepy . . .

I continue to feel very depressed. I feel my facial muscles being pulled down by heavy anchors that are hooked on to the ends of my downcast lips. I keep sighing, taking turns with every breathe exhaled. Most of all I find my mind switching off ever so often and deep sleep or an intense desire to fall into deep sleep coming over me - now even in the afternoons and ever more so in the late evenings. I find myself just wasting away, washed by a loss of desire, motivation, strength and ability to do much; even mundane duties like cooking dinner, lighting the oil lamps and turning off the generator have become tasks requiring Herculean effort. When will I be back in my strong, energetic, enthusiastic and hardworking body? Maybe time will tell . . .